


The Motherfucking Cookie Jar Fic

by Anonymous



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Fisting, Cookie jar fic, George fucking murders sapnap, George is BEYOND done, Glory Hole, HE, M/M, Multi, follow me on twitter @SatanicDoormat, guess what the cookie jar is, my actual ao3 acc is SatanicDoormat, p me, plp me please he, straighg fucking crack, take me to church lord I’m coming the fuck up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:20:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27852398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: “Why the fuck is there an ass on the counter?”“Be nice to him, he’s sensitive!”The fucking cookie jar glory hole fic shut the fuck up im going to cryFor those of you ypungesters with automized refrigeirator 10000s, a cookie jar is a jar ur supposed to put cookies in and then hide them from pesky little brats like you on the high shelf bc they’re for the giraffesI have never seen a single Dteamglory holE fic so let’s make the first one fucking horribke!!I am NOT the anon from the fic series! I’m a different person!! although that guy is cool follow him on twitter!!
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 50
Kudos: 265
Collections: anonymous





	The Motherfucking Cookie Jar Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Why am I wasting my life on this

“Why the _fuck_ is there an ass on the counter?”

It was a fair question. George didn’t expect to, y’know, walk into the kitchen of Dream’s, Sapnap’s and his shared apartment and just...be greeted with an ass sitting on the counter. Especially not before he’d had his coffee.  
  


Where even was Dream anyway?   
  


The ass wasn’t sitting, it was just-sticking out of the counter, no legs in sight, bare fucking naked. George assumed it was one of Sapnap’s weird pranks, or like a weird sex toy, or something, a mannequin of some sort, but that didn’t explain shit, so when Sapnap walked into the kitchen about an hour after George had woken up and started working, George greeted him with the incredulous question about the literal fucking body part sitting on the counter.

“Not even a ‘good morning’, Georgie?” Sapnap pouted, smoothing down his hair and shuffling behind the counter. “I’m hurt.”

”What’s going to hurt is your ballsack detached from your body if you don’t tell me _why the fuck_ there is a pair of ass cheeks on the fucking. Kitchen. Counter.” George snapped, clutching the handle of his coffee mug so hard he thought it might shatter. It was always too early for Sapnap’s shit.

”Woah, don’t be so _uptight_ , George.” Sapnap drawled, sidling around the kitchen island to snake an arm around George’s waist and squeezing his ass teasingly, snickering. “Maybe I could help relieve some-“

George barely, _barely_ restrained himself from smashing the coffee mug against Sapnap’s stupid fucking forehead. Good coffee mugs were hard to come by and easy to kill in one false move. Annoying-ass friends were not as easy to kill with one stroke, which was unfortunate.

”Tell me. Why. There. Is. An. Ass. On. The. Fucking. Kitchen. Counter. Or you will not live to see the day.” George hissed, putting as much rage into his voice as he possibly could. Which was not much.

Sapnap laughed easily, stepping away from him and patting the pair of buttocks on the counter. George grimaced. “What the fuck. Why are you _touching_ it?”  
  


  
”Be nice, Georgie, he’s sensitive.” Sapnap chided, now lightly running his hands across the body part. George’s discomfort radiated off of him like homoerotic tension at a single mother’s club.

  
“Would you stop _touching_ the _ass?_ And what the fuck do you mean _he?_ If you’re going to fuck it or something put it in your sex toy drawer and not on the kitchen counter! I don’t need to see freakishly realistic sex toys before noon, and I’m not to keen on them at night either.” George fumed, pausing to take a long sip of his coffee and emerging much calmer. “Have you seen Dream, by the way? I have to ask him to pick up a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey from the library.” he muttered, typing something on his laptop.

Sapnap snickered, which turned into a full-blown laugh, until he was holding his sides.

George frowned at him. “Take your fucking kinky shit out of my sight line, Sapnap.”   
  


Sapnap held up a hand, face turning red with mirth. George waited with more patience than he reasonably possessed for Sapnap to calm down.

”One. You just answered your own question. Two, it’s not a sex toy drawer, it’s a school supplies drawer, I use the dildo as an eraser. Three, you can’t kink-shame me when you just mentioned “Dream” and “Fifty Shades of Grey” in the same breath.” Sapnap held up a finger for every number, which did nothing to spark understanding in George’s tired, overworked-by-capitalism brain.

  
“One, what do you mean I answered my own question? I have _more_ questions now. Two, I refuse to believe you use a plastic pink penis to erase. Three, kink-shaming and common sense are two different things, Sapnap.” George replied tersely.   
  


“Common sense, George? Think.” Sapnap prodded. “Ass.” he poked the ass, which...fucking _jiggled?_ So it wasn’t plastic, or at least high-quality silicone or something. George shivered.   
  


“Ass appears, Dream disappears. Where is Dream?“ 

George’s brain worked for a second, until he finally came to the only possible conclusion, mouth hanging wide open.

”You fucking murdered Dream and cut his ass off? _Shit_ , Sapnap, I knew you’d snap someday, but this is a whole oth-“

”No, George, what the fuck!” Sapnap interrupted. “That’s Dream. In the counter. That’s Dream’s ass. It’s still attached to him. He’s not dead.”   
  


George thought for a second, eyebrows raising. “That’s-what-okay, Sapnap, I am kink-shaming you now. I am-how the _fuck_ did you do that, he must be folded in half, did you cut a hole in the counter for this? Our landlord is going to fucking string you up, oh my god, Sapnap, did you not _think_ about-“ he rambled, banging his forehead against the counter.

”Nah. I thought it’d be funny, so I did it. Dream had the idea.” Sapnap shrugged. “It’s kinda hot though.”

”We have an _ass_ installed in the kitchen counter. Sapnap. Think about this. A realtor comes into a house and says “here, next to the kitchen sink, we have your very own personal cookie jar, but it’s a fucking ass and the cookies are your fucking _chode_ , Sapnap! _What the fuck!_ ” George almost tore his hair out, he was so frantic.

  
“Cookie jar. That’s a good name.” Sapnap mused thoughtfully, crossing to the cabinet and pulling out a permanent marker, scrawling _Cookie Jar_ on Dream’s ass.   
  


George almost hurled himself out the window. “I’m done. I’m leaving for work, grocery store, whatever, you two can do your weird shit.” George grabbed his keys, his coffee mug, and made his way to the door, walking as fast as he could.

”Aw, George! At least let me show you this!” Sapnap pouted.   
  


George turned, gritting his teeth. “What.”

Sapnap slapped Dream’s ass as hard as he could, leaving a red handprint. A muffled _Ow!_ along with a string of curses emanated from inside the cabinet. George distinctly made out that it was Dream’s voice.

Sapnap raised an eyebrow at him, snickering. “So, what’d you think?”

George threw his coffee mug at Sapnap’s face. He didn’t see whether it hit or not, he was already out the door.

Fourth fucking mug that week.

—————

When George got back, slamming the door loudly, he only remembered that the ass was there once he saw Sapnap, on his phone, one hand playing Angry Birds, the other hand literally up to the wrist in Dream’s hole.   
  


As he stood there, shock, irrational rage, and disappointment rising up in him, he distinctly heard muffled moans.

Sapnap looked up. “Oh, hi, George.” He had a slightly guilty look on his face. “Guess you caught me with my hand in the cookie jar, aha.”

At that moment, all George could see was red and the large kitchen knife lying on the counter.  
  


“Wait, it was just a joke, bro-“

_Sapnap was slain by GeorgeNotFound_

**Author's Note:**

> why  
> moral of story: resort to murder when necessary


End file.
